Communication Corner: A Column Dedicated to Improving Communication Skills

Why We Sometimes Hear What We Want to Hear

By Richard Sgaglio
September 2026

Have you ever walked away from a conversation convinced someone meant one thing, only to discover later they meant something entirely different? Most of us have. It happens in families, friendships, workplaces, and even casual conversations with neighbors. The surprising part is that the misunderstanding often has less to do with what was actually said than with how we interpreted it.

One of the biggest misconceptions about communication is that words have one fixed meaning. In reality, words pass through a filter before they reach our understanding. That filter is built from our experiences, beliefs, expectations, and emotions. We do not simply hear what someone says. We hear what we think they mean. Sometimes those two things are exactly the same. Sometimes they are miles apart.

A friend of mine once told me about how he and his wife spent an entire evening upset with each other over a simple misunderstanding. As they were getting ready to leave for a party, he looked at his wife and said, "Is that what you are wearing?" He only wondered if she was finished getting ready. She heard, "You don't look nice." What followed was a very awkward evening. Only later did they realize they had been arguing about words that had never actually been spoken.

The same thing happens in the workplace. Imagine receiving an email from your supervisor asking if you can stop by the office before you leave for the day. For some employees, it is just another meeting. For others, it is enough to make them anxious for hours. They replay recent conversations in their minds, wondering if they made a mistake or forgot something important. Then they walk into the office only to discover the supervisor wants to compliment them on a project they completed. The message never changed. Their expectations did.

Even everyday conversations around town can fool us. You are standing in line at the grocery store when someone you know walks by without saying hello. Before you know it, you are wondering if you somehow offended them. Later you learn they had just received a phone call that a family member had been taken to the hospital, and they never even noticed who was around them. We are quick to write a story in our minds, and sometimes the story has very little to do with reality.

Psychologists refer to part of this tendency as confirmation bias. We naturally notice information that supports what we already believe while paying less attention to evidence that points us in another direction. If we expect someone to criticize us, we are more likely to hear criticism. If we believe someone is impatient with us, we may interpret an innocent comment as irritation. Once our minds settle on a conclusion, everything else seems to fit that narrative.

Our emotions also have a vote. When we are tired, stressed, or worried, we become much more likely to misread what other people are saying. A text message that says, "Call me when you get a chance," can send our imagination racing. Within seconds we have convinced ourselves that something terrible has happened. More often than not, the caller simply wants to ask if we can meet for lunch or help with something.

The good news is that many misunderstandings can be avoided with one simple habit. Before reacting, pause long enough to check your understanding. Ask, "Is that what you meant?" or say, "I want to make sure I understood you correctly." Those few words may feel awkward for a moment, but they can prevent hurt feelings, damaged relationships, and hours of unnecessary conflict.

Communication is not just about speaking clearly. It is also about listening carefully. The next time you find yourself reacting to something someone has said, ask yourself one simple question: “Am I responding to the words I actually heard, or to the meaning I have assigned to them?” The answer may remind you that many of life's biggest misunderstandings begin not with what was said, but with what we thought we heard.