Communication Corner: How to Fight Fairly

A Column Dedicated to Improving Communication Skills

By Richard Sgaglio
October 2026

Conflict is inevitable. It is a natural part of communicating and maintaining relationships with others. Whenever two people have different needs, expectations, experiences, or opinions, there are going to be times when they disagree. Even people who love and respect each other are not going to agree all the time, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Conflict can actually be productive. It can help us understand each other better, bring problems into the open, and sometimes strengthen a relationship. The trouble usually begins not because we disagree, but because of how we choose to disagree. Most of us know how to start an argument. Knowing how to fight fairly once we get there is another matter.

Sometimes we disagree about important things. Other times we find ourselves passionately defending something that, two hours later, we cannot believe mattered that much. Either way, one of the simplest rules for fighting fairly is to stay with the issue in front of you. If the disagreement is about something that happened this morning, resist the temptation to bring in everything the other person has done in the past.

Past mistakes can become ammunition when we feel frustrated or defensive. Once we start firing that ammunition, the original disagreement usually disappears. Now we are fighting about five different things, none of which is likely to get resolved. Some things should simply be off limits. Prior relationships, old failures, embarrassing mistakes, family problems, insecurities, or something deeply personal shared in confidence should not suddenly become weapons because we are angry. There is a difference between discussing the past because it is relevant and bringing it up simply because we know it will hurt.

In the heat of an argument, it can be tempting to reach for the one comment we know will land the hardest blow. We may even succeed. But what exactly did we win? A disagreement about money, household chores, or a forgotten commitment can probably be resolved. Deliberately humiliating someone may cause damage that lasts much longer. We can cause permanent damage trying to win a temporary argument. Once certain words have been said, we cannot magically erase them.

Fighting fairly also means focusing on behavior rather than character. There is an enormous difference between saying, “I was upset that you didn’t call,” and saying, “You are completely inconsiderate.” One describes what happened. The other defines the person. Words such as always and never deserve caution too. “You never listen to me” and “You always do this” invite the other person to defend themselves rather than listen.

Fighting fairly also means knowing when to stop. If voices are getting louder, nobody is listening, and the goal has shifted from solving the problem to hurting the other person, continuing accomplishes very little. Taking some time apart is not surrendering. Sometimes it is the smartest way to make sure we can return to the conversation without saying something we cannot take back.

So, can we fight in a healthy, productive way? I think we can. That does not mean suppressing anger, agreeing just to keep the peace, or pretending everything is fine. It means being able to say, “I am angry,” “I disagree,” or even “I think you are wrong” without humiliating or attacking the other person.

Perhaps one of the best questions we can ask ourselves during an argument is: How much is winning this argument really worth? Is the issue important enough to risk damaging a relationship, or is this one of those times when we need to pick our battles? We cannot always have our way, nor should we expect to. Sometimes letting something go, accepting a compromise, or allowing the other person to have their way may be the best solution. That is not losing. It is recognizing that preserving a relationship can be far more important than “winning.”